When we are firmly in the centre of our own life we take full responsibility for our decisions and actions. That’s because we are clear about our part in creating our own reality. When we are not in the center of our own lives we worry and fret and make everybody else’s story the important story in our life. This means we are always fearful of letting people down, of not being liked and/or of gaining a reputation of being selfish.
And what about your children. Allow them the opportunity to work through things that are stretching them. With your guidance this develops skills, resilience, determination, and the skills of a responsible adult. Of course be supportive and ready to help if it’s needed, but from quite an early age most children prefer that you acknowledge their efforts instead of jumping in to do things for them.
What Happens When We Aren’t Center of Our World.
1.When you are NOT in the center of your own world your decisions are based on your perception of what others think, and what they will think of you. You make decisions out of fear instead of a sense of adventure about your life, or based in the inner values that are important to you. Your decisions can’t be productive for you because YOU have no part in them.
2.Your energy goes out in all directions without incoming energy to sustain you. This is unsustainable in the long run. There is now a body of scientific evidence that shows there is a clear personality type who ends up with auto-immune diseases. This is the person who never puts themselves first, is always worried about others, becomes resentful and feels they don’t get what they want out of life because others are ‘too needy’.
3.When we place our center in others’ lives we end up playing the ‘servant/master’ game. We start to be regarded as a servant, and others don’t consider our needs because they get used to being the ‘most important person’ in the relationship. Its pointless to blame them for this. Instead take yourself out of servant mode and into ‘equal’ mode. You are no better or worse than anyone else. You are no more or less important than anyone else. You have needs, and it’s important you get your needs met, just like everyone else.
4.Your sense of self worth is low because everyone else is more important than you and so you don’t take the time or the resources to nourish yourself the same way you do for others.
5.This creates an energy deficit in your life. Over time, continuous giving without any energy coming back to you in practical terms can lead to burnout, nervous exhaustion, physical ailments and all sorts of dis-ease.
6.You believe the other relies on your support and that you can’t withdraw it. But the truth is when you continually act as a sounding board for everything that is wrong in their life, without them taking any responsibility to change it, you are not helping them. They need to play the center role in their lives too, and realise they are responsible for themselves.
How to Help Someone Move On from Being the Center of Your World.
Your best way of supporting someone like this is to gently direct them to a professional. Someone who has the skills to get them out of victim mode and into a more powerful role in their own life. You could say: “You are going through a tough time and I want to help you, but you need someone skilled who can help you solve these problems. Just talking about them won’t help. You are my friend and I love you, but I don’t have the skills to help you move on with this.” And then you could offer to help them find a suitable professional.
Make no mistake, if you allow a person to repeatedly tell and embellish their victim story, without transforming it, you are not helping. You are more firmly cementing your friend’s ‘Great Victim Story’ in their head, because what we focus on becomes bigger in our minds. Counsellors also need to be mindful of this. If there is no transformation or change in perspective, they are not helping.
How to Place Yourself in the Center of Your World
1.Do things for others when you want to, instead of out of obligation or fear that they won’t like you.
2.Play ‘Energy Ping-Pong’. Energeticaly what goes out needs to come back. Otherwise you will get drained. And what happens then? You get physically or mentally unwell, or lose your joy of life. If you continually give and get no energy back you will eventually start to feel resentful. Notice who always takes but never gives back, and change that dynamic.
3.Engage your wise self to know if a person really needs your help. They may be avoiding something that they need to do for themselves. Are you robbing them of their own personal development?
Envision How Your World Will Be Different WhenYou Put Your Needs First
1.You won’t be exhausted by people’s needs all the time.
2.You will receive energy as much as you give it.
3.You will allow others to take responsibility for their own lives.
4.You won’t get bogged down in others’ problems.
5.You will have the time and energy to work on yourself as much as you’ve worked on others.
6.You become clear about how you want your life to be, and work towards that.
Remember that when you put yourself in the center of your life you can actually give more. This is because you nourish yourself, so are less likely to get sick, depleted, or resentful.
When you find out why you continually want to focus on other peoples’ lives rather than looking at your own, you may be surprised at what you learn. Clients often find that they are not giving out of generosity, but out of fear and a need to avoid themselves at any cost.
Your life is your own and only you can be responsible for it. When we realise this we also allow other adults to do the same for themselves.
Katie Kalin is a kinesiologist and coach with over 30 years experience working with groups and individuals. She runs a private clinic in Cork City and also conducts online kinesiology consultations. Access a free half hour consultation with her through www.katiekalin.com