We all have things we would like to change about our lives.

We can all identify things that ‘do our heads in’ and create tension in our lives. Our general level of happiness won’t change until we recognise some things about the way we interact with life. Our energy for change is dependant on how we view our past and how we practice our beliefs about whether we are a victim of life, or a creator.

Where fear comes from

Our great fear of change comes from beliefs that were instilled in us, often as a child, which told us that trying to change something doesn’t work, or makes things worse. These beliefs come from a variety of sources and are very common in our western societies because our culture values fear. We value fear because it is instilled in us as children that we must remain safe at all costs and this has become more and more prevalent in more recent times. From insurance policies that don’t allow children to run in playgrounds or offer play in natural environments to our parents’ messages that we must always be safe, we continually bombard children with a sense of being in a dangerous world and that risk-taking is to be avoided.

To grow we must risk

But the truth is when we grow and learn something there is always a certain amount of risk. For example we might get it wrong and feel stupid, or we might hurt ourselves physically, or we might get wrongfully accused of something we didn’t do, or try to do. The list is endless. But the result is the same. Any time we are limited by fear of failure, injury, shame, loss, or invalidation we edit our lives and our sense of self becomes contracted. This contraction doesn’t feel good but at the same time, it feels safe and so we stand between the two conflicting parts of ourselves. The brave one who won’t be stopped by anything, and the fearful one who won’t try.

We waste time waiting for others or circumstances to change

Unfortunately we then become stuck and end up waiting for others or for circumstances to change. We might be lucky enough for this to happen occasionally, but the truth is that they usually don’t change without us doing something differently. We can pretend that it’s out of our control and we can’t do anything about it but on closer inspection we usually have some power in a situation. It’s just that we choose to ignore it, because that would mean we’d have to take some responsibility for changing it.

What happens when we don’t recognise our own power

When we don’t keep our own power in our perspective we can only experience ourselves as victims and that won’t get us anywhere. When our life finally gets into crisis because of a build up, we are likely to become unwell or at least incredibly unhappy. Once again we can view this as a bitter pill we have to swallow, that had nothing to do with us or that we are expressing something that has been a long time in the making.

Our job is to get real about all the times we have stepped out of our power and into our victim mode and choose to percieve it differently. Until we can do this, we are going to experience more and more suffering. Our suffering is not designed to punish us, but to make us get focused on ourselves and work out what is out of balance in our lives.

Recognise your own power

Once we decide that being responsible for our experience of life is the only way forward we can get present to our pain and get help with deciphering it. The best way to do this is to get someone who knows how the body and mind interact and work with them to unravel the coded bodily experience. 

If you suffer from physical pain, a disease or depression your general way forward is the same. Get clear that the only one that can sort you out is you. It doesn’t matter if you persist in blaming others, the health system, the doctors, your work, your boss or your upbringing. because that simply won’t change anything. It will keep you stuck in victim mode and it will drain you of any power you have left.

This doesn’t mean that some things done to you, or not done for you were right, but you can’t turn back the clock so it is pointless using your valuable energy to keep you stuck there. Instead be aware that as an adult you ultimately have the responsibility to heal your own life, simply because no-one else can do it for you.

If you think that a counsellor or a doctor or any other sort of therapist can make you valuable in your own eyes, you are mistaken. They can only lead you to clearer realisation that it is up to you and support you in that journey towards self responsibility. Anything else is keeping you in their practice and in short this is not a therapist who is there to help you, but instead wants a paying customer that never leaves the nest. If that’s what you want, that’s ok, but get clear about it. You won’t make progress unless you are prepared to take responsibility and become the best version of yourself.

This means overcoming any area in your life where you want to blame or project your own energy onto others. They will do what they do and its your job to have boundaries in place to create a safety from truly narcistic types. Your other job is to get clear on how you want your life to be. Until you have a sense of that you are vulnerable to being a pawn in everyone elses life.

How to Start This Journey

The way to start to do this is to:

1. Look over the past year of your life. What worked for you and what didn’t ?

2. How do you feel about your life in general? Is it going in the direction you want or not?

3. Will you continue to engage with your life the same way you did last year, or are you prepared to make changes?

4. How will you get over how you feel about your past, so that you don’t carry any negative baggage with you?

5. How will you get what you need to help you make the changes you desire?

These 5 questions start you on the road to self-responsibility. They won’t make your life change in an instant but will start you on a journey of self discovery and empowerment. If this is your intention: To take charge of your own life, like a boss, you will find that a person or people will turn up to help you. It happens every time. But you usually have to make the first call.

Katie Kalin is a kinesiologist and performance coach with over 30 years experience working with groups and individuals. She runs a private clinic in Cork City and also does online  consultations. She believes that we can access our innate wisdom that is connected to universal intelligence, through muscle testing. Access one free half hour consultation with her through  www.katiekalin.com